Self talk is an activity that I have engaged in for as long as I can remember. In the shower, on walks, in the car, around the house, even when talking with others. This is of course talk that others cannot hear, but rather words that I may say out loud when I am alone or silently when I am with others. These are usually words that I find I repeat to myself on a frequent basis. It in not really thinking, as thinking I find to be progressive, looking for an answer or a solution. The self talk to which I am referring is what I say to myself about who I am. It very often starts with the words “I am…”.
I have found from talking with others that virtually everyone self talks. We all tell ourself things about our selves. No matter what kind of life we live, or how successful we are or are not, or who we associate with, or how we see the world, I believe that every person on the face of the earth talks to themselves. Every person on the face of this earth tells themselves what kind of person they are.
Self talk is a creative act
Our self talk is a reflection of who we think we are in the world. It calls into mind our image of ourselves. It can expand or limit our action. Self talk can be positive or negative. It can be life affirming or life denying. It can be be filled with gratitude and inspiration or complaint and self doubt.
Self talk is about what kind of person I think I am. What kind of mother or father, what kind of husband or wife, what kind of employee or boss, what capacities or weaknesses I have. When I say I am dumb, or I am handsome, or a bad mother, or a good father or nobody likes me or I am attractive we are literally creating our world, that is, the world we live in.
When you talk negatively about yourself to yourself, you create a world around you that is filled with limitation and doubt. When your self talk is affirming and inspiring then you will live in a world filled with opportunity and optimism. You literally create yourself and the world you live in through your self talk. By saying to yourself that you are so and so or that the world is so and so, you actually are making it so. I am reminded of the words of Henry Ford. “Whether you think you can or you think you can’t, you are right.”
Self talk reflects our relationships
At times in my life I have found myself in the frequent company of people who were negative, with whom I had difficulty communicating and with whom I would find myself arguing. At these times my self talk was often a reflection of these relationships. Who we associate with has a tremendous impact on our self talk. If we surround ourselves with people who respect us, speak highly of us then it is more likely that our self talk will reflect those conversations.
In actual fact, we co-create the world with those we interact. If we are respectful and find those wonderful aspects of another person and let the other person know about them we are creating a situation in which we are positively feeding the self talk of that person. This will likely create positive relations with that person. As your relationship improves, so will your self talk.
Not all relationships are necessarily amenable to this approach. Some people refuse to participate in mutually positive interaction. It is sometimes difficult to tell the difference but in relationships where there is clear physical and emotional abuse or high rates of addictive behaviour it will be difficult to but not necessarily impossible to develop good self talk habits.
Self talk defines who we are and the life we lead
Self talk is a way of motivating or inspiring action in ourselves. Each time we have a conversation with ourselves and tell ourselves who and what we are, so it is. When we tell ourselves that we can do something it is more likely that we will do that very thing. It stands to reason that if we repeatedly tell ourselves that we cannot do something, then it is likely that we will not accomplish our goal.
That running tape that we call self talk invariably fashions who we are and what we accomplish. There are ideas that suggest that if we ignore our self talk like so much background noise and focus instead on the world around us by becoming more mindful that we can mitigate its effects. But I have found that self talk can be a tremendous motivation and inspiration and so I tend to prefer the approach of building self talk that will help me achieve my goals.
I suppose it depends on how goal oriented a person is. I am very goal oriented and have found that persistence in developing positive self talk to move me closer to the things I wish to accomplish.
Self talk is a habit that can be changed
Associate with people who like you
Your personal self talk is often fed by what others say to you. If you are in a physically or emotionally abusive relationship or your primary relationship is with someone who has a serious addiction then you will find all the rest of this very difficult to implement. It is better to be on your own than to endure the fate of those that are abused.
If you are living on your own or even better, with someone who likes you and regularly says nice things to you then you will benefit greatly from the other suggestions that follow. The influence of our relationship on our self talk and self esteem is immense and cannot be understated.
Say nice things to others
Investing in good relationships will pay back much more than you will ever find you put in. This investment is in the form of polite, kind and considerate communication. Acknowledging the gifts of others and in particular of your primary relationship will fuel a positive climate and creative self talk in the other. You will find that what you put in you will get out if the caveats above of abuse and addiction are considered. I have had this personal experience in my life and the effects are no less than phenomenal.
Like yourself
This may seem trite, but this is what self talk is largely about. It is about regularly being polite, kind and considerate to yourself, just as you are doing in your relationships with others.
Live a life of gratitude
This personal habit of saying thank you, of both feeling and showing appreciation for the wonders in your life will go a long way to building healthy self talk. Imagine the wonder of clear water coming out of the tap, of a comfortable bed at night, of the meals you enjoy as just a start. There is so much to be grateful for, even as you strive for something more and better in your life.
Gratitude puts us in a proper frame of mind for developing healthy self talk habits. Fostering a sense of appreciation for what you have will help to bring joy to the daily journey as you pursue your goals.
Build on your successes
Positive self talk comes from positive experiences and associations. Psychologists speak of a sense of self-efficacy as being one of the most important skills a person can develop in life. Self-efficacy is the belief or confidence that you can do what you set out to do, that you can accomplish the goals that you set for yourself. Self-efficacy is developed over time by the experience of success.
Whenever, I persist with an activity or goal to the point that I have achieved what I set out to achieve I am developing a sense of self-efficacy or confidence. Persistence is one of the most important characteristics of goal achievement. Each success will bring other successes and will make healthy self talk possible. I often think of the little engine that could. Sounds funny but it works for me.
Start in the shower
I have come to find that self talk truly sets the tone for my day and ultimately for my life. My own particular self talk for many years was prevailing negative, although, certainly not exclusively. Whenever I engaged in positive self talk I found that good things happened. When I engaged in negative self talk I was often unable to get tracked and see the opportunities that abounded in my life.
My showers in the morning often set the tone for the day as that was where my self talk for the day would begin. I did not realize this until recently. Allow me to relate an experience that was an eyeopener for me.
One year I returned from a trip to South East Asia. It was a seven week jaunt through four countries, Thailand, Laos, Vietnam and Cambodia. Many of the photos you will see on this site are from that trip. It was my first time for an extended period in the tropics and I enjoyed it thoroughly. I travelled alone for the most part and so spent some fairly concentrated time by myself. I did meet people but it was generally only for an evening or day. Prior to leaving I wondered how I might get along with myself. Well, I did fabulously.
When I returned home I went back to work and started to feel those pressures along with being in the familiar environment of my home. It could have been either one of those but I found on the second morning that my self talk was quite negative. I was saying things to myself that I had not said for seven weeks. I cannot remember exactly what they were but they were unhealthy negative statements. After four or five statements to that effect I caught myself.
There was absolutely no reason for me to say those things and yet I was setting the tone for my day. I resolved then and there not to say them anymore. I had not said them for seven weeks and I could find not even a vague reason to say them now. It was purely a habit. I had changed my habit for those seven weeks. Now I was going to continue, which I have.
I now start my day in the shower with healthy positive self talk. What a great way to start the day.
Make self talk work for you
All accomplishment is fed by healthy self talk. It is the fertile ground for achievement. The firm belief in ourselves and the gratitude we feel is expressed most fully in healthy and positive self talk. What we hold in our minds is what we manifest in the world. It is the law of attraction. More on that in another article. Self talk can be changed. Reducing negative self talk has tremendous benefits. Goal achievement and success are not far behind when we have healthy self talk patterns and habits.
Tips
- Associate with people who like you and are kind to you
- Be kind to others
- Be kind to yourself
- Cultivate a sense of gratitude
- Build on your successes
- Start your day with positive self talk
- Remember that self talk is a habit and can be changed
- Practise…time is on your side